Dol Guldur

This my sweet storyteller in January. Crazy for this boy!

This house is so different from a month ago. It looks the same for the most part, but all our stress levels went way, way down. I bought the boys blocks and board games...apparently that is what they were missing. Both of them spend, I would say, close to two hours at a time building and destroying towers, castles, and towns they build. Eli even built a frog torturingdevice! A Beanie Baby frog...And the word torturingdevice was in the autocorrect. Weird. Anyway, I'm not constantly going nuts anymore. Yahoo!

Have I told you how much I love this babygirl? Oh, my.

Update!!

Oh, don't worry. It's only been FIVE MONTHS since I last bloggy-blogged.
Wooopsie!! Hey, I barely keep up with life, so don't be all...don't be all like...don't be that way!

To sum up the last five months: we found a teeny apartment after leaving that tiny cottage-house. Let me just say, the landlords and us...had a major difference of opinion. We moved into the apartment (which was still disgusting after some gross druggie ditched it) and cleaned like we had OCD. On coke. Who just killed someone.
So that was done (although, just to be clear, no drugs, no killing, and less exciting neuroses). The place is fine. It's still only half repainted and waaaaaay too small, but it feels homey enough now.

So then Halloween. Christmas. Eli's FIFTH birthday!! New Years. Valentine's. Saint Patrick's Day. Present day!!

Hello!!

Eli's birthday was a sweet affair. Some lovely children-family Skyped him the Happy Birthday Song. So happy. We had cake and candles and more presents (his day is Christmas) and all was very good. And he got to meet Santa! I really like simple birthdays like this. Eli does too. Well, because he likes anything that involves cake and presents. Duh.

Being pregnant was horrible by the end. My last morning pregnant, I woke up crying because everything ached and stretched and I couldn't sleep to ignore it. But I started having contractions soon after...best mood ever!! They were pleasant little contractions all day. Long story short, I had Little Miss Mady (au naturale) at 3:45 am. And I love  her. She was so calm and alert! She seemed so....just fine. Then they took her from me and she cried. And then we went home together two days later.

Mady is perfect. I'm telling you, she's PERFECT! Patient, sleeps well (amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing), and is just the sweetest thing I've ever seen. The boys at  crazy about her too. Too crazy.

I'm in awesome spirits these days. I'm not pregnant. Winter is giving way to spring. Asher is not terrible anymore. I've been sewing and making stuff like crazy. Andy has a good job with better hours, people, bosses. I have wonderful friends and wonderful family. And I went shopping for the first time in like nine months. For real. And all I bought was books and kids toys!! But books sustain me! And toys are fun to shop for. When you're me.

I think that's enough.

Thank you!

Hard times=tough people??

This week is hard.

Last week was not so bad. I'll start with last week.

We moved into a house! It's the smallest thing in the world. It's like a cottage! And cottages are cute and quaint and help you to see what matters in life. So we live in a cottage.
We had no stuff and then randomly one night, we did. Through the help of several people, some we know and some we don't, we can start over. Thank you to all. Thank you Universe!

Then Andy left for Pennsylvania. He immediately found my driver's license and social security card. They were packed in a bag that was  supposed to come with us, but got crammed into storage instead. So that's that. Andy will hopefully be buying a vehicle today and driving back here with some of our long lost home comforts. :)

Yesterday, Eli had a hard day. I feel like his hard days are especially devastating because he doesn't get bratty or whiney, he gets saaaaaaad and introspective. He "just wants to go home." I said we could go to Grammy's home and I guess that's what he meant. We've lived  in five places in the last two months and its not the move or change of pace that's hard, it's the lack of comforts like Netflix or certain stories (I left at my cousin's house), and no furniture or blankets that we recognize as ours. And, mostly, that Andy's gone. Only for a few more days, but it's hard for us because everything is gone, including Daddy. We'll get it all back, or most of it, and were not traumatized, I'm just saying. Anyway, me and Eli had a short discussion on how we're home when we're with family and love and we named the people who make us feel like home. We smiled and I tickled his feet and he took a nap. Things were better. Then I had a long conversation with Andy (but mostly myself) about character building and life lessons and the long-view and I felt better too.

But today, I am having a hard time. With Asher. He is so much more difficult than Eli was. Everything is something to scream about and there's always some to scream-cry about. I can't seem to calm down when dealing with him. That's the thing, I deal with him. I don't hang out with him or enjoy him; we don't have tons of fun together...I just deal. And barely at that. And I realized yesterday that maybe we'll get better together, but then there will be one more. Like, another kid. Right now is the ONLY time I have to give him all the loving attention I can...but I can't. I need to change that.

My midwife called this morning to reschedule our meeting today and asked me to consider conventional alternatives (an OB who takes Medicaid) because she's afraid I won't be able to afford her. But I'll get that straightened out. I just was really counting on this midwife idea as a comfort, not another stressor. But, again, I'm sure it will work itself out.

All I want to do is make something! Knit or sew or paint or bake some bread. That's what I do...any kind of making stuff is my relaxant.
Ugh. Maybe I'll remember to laugh once in a while too. That would help.

Alright. My kids have started to make lunch on their own AKA they are destroying the kitchen.

Thank you!

Life Update

I should have been posting this whole time.
But oh, well.

I'm in a dark room full of sleepers, so I'm not going to go find my camera and put pictures up.
Oh, well.

I'm just here to catch you up. Or really just to lay it all out. So maybe I can look at my life and add it all up and adjust accordingly. But you never really know what life's going to throw at you, do you? You can have a great attitude (which I do....about 40% of the time, but I swear, I am very good in intense, high-pressure positions. I'm like a motha fuggin surgeon.) and make mostly decent decisions (......I have no measure of good or bad decisions. It seems all decisions I make end up crumpled up in the trashcan and then the can is lit on fire and then the house catches and then it hurricanes on the house and then...), but still end up in BFE. That's cool-hand for butt fucking Egypt. I still use it from my sweet high school days. I was the coolest.

So, we left my dad's. We left with money and a plan. We drove all day and it went pretty well. Got some food and a hotel for the night. The next morning, it turns out, everyone's favorite babycake is missing! Mr. Sir Peaches had escaped the night before. The animals weren't allowed in the place and we were on the fourth floor, so there was really no sneaking them in. So they slept in the car. Luckily for us, it was POURING rain, which means that cat is hanging out somewhere, waiting for the rain to quit. Me and Andy took turns stomping around the hotel, in the grass, in the woody area, all over the parking lot, talking to hotel maid people, ect, from eight to eleven in the morning. And it rained the whole time. Andy found him up a ways over a hill having a little cat party by the Cracker Barrel. (They always smell like bacon, so, I get it.)

I cried the tears of relief and joy, we threw him in the car and headed out. Oh, and, obviously, we informed the staff. We're not barbarians! Actually, one lady even came out to meet him. Stupid cat! We didn't get ten miles before we were having major transmission issues. Our car was just tuned up and stuff too. Long, long, long, long boring story short, we got a hotel about five miles from where we slept the night before and kissed our car goodbye. I actually mean that. It's still there. In OHIO. Transmission blew. Not enough money to fix it and hang out in hotels to wait for it. Thankfully, I have a wonderfully generous mom who drove six hours one way to pick us all up. Me, Andy, Eli, Asher, Sophie, Zao, Buggy, Peaches plus our stuff. We made it to IL.

Here we are. The great state of Illinois. I know this place well. There was a great thunderstorm tonight. Andy's never seen storms like this, he thought the world was ending. We had planned on staying here with my mom, Andy getting a job, and/or going to school, and us saving enough money to actually have...enough money. I don't know. But I guess Mom's landlord got pissed that we have a dog, so we are to leave.

So let me state:
No job yet.
School hasn't started yet and his vocational school that was supposed to start next week, is not happening yet either.
No car.
No place.
No money.

Oh, and here's the effing kicker. I left ALL my identification in a purse that accidentally got packed and is sitting in a storage unit. A thousand miles away or something. What does that mean? It means we get NO public aid, no food stamps, no WIC, no Medicare or whatever it's called, no nothing. Andy can't get unemployment because he left his job willingly.

So maybe Andy will join back up to the military? Nope. Not taking any prior service. Holy fucking shit. What now?

We still have things in the works and some very good friends and family on our side. Honestly, we would be nowhere without the help of people who love us and whom we love and appreciate very much. All we need is a job and things will be ok. And we'll find one. It's just ...when? But it will happen, that I know. And that's the only thing. Andy and I are very good at having just awful luck (and probably poor decision making), but sticking through it. This is the kind of stuff we're good at. And lord knows, we're not quitters.

I feel very lucky, though, that Andy is 100% behind me being a stay at home mom, even in these circumstances. I still feel that is our best route, too. And in case you were wondering, these kids are the happiest kids in the whole world. Grammy spoils them with cuddles and cookies. Except tonight, they were watching Two Towers LOTR and eating chili and I wondered how I raised my babies to be such manly men! Anyway, what I'm saying is despite our situation, we, as a family, are doing awesome. We have a lot of love everywhere, even when we are at our wit's end.

Playground Gangstas

 

These are pictures from yesterday. It was an especially wonderful park time. But, in all fairness, my kids are really good at parking it.

But last week we were at the park and Eli swung and swung and swung on the swings and I pushed and pushed and pushed him. We were there till dark! Eli got quiet after a while and the swinging slowed down and he asked to be off the swing. He hugged me for a secong while I held him, then he looked me right in the eyes.....and barfed.

No really.

That's what happened.

But it didn't hit me, so it doesn't count.

I put him down so super fast! I guided him over to the plants and he spit into those. But no more barfing. 

So...........I forgot. I forgot about how you get so dizzy on the swings. I forgot about how when you've swung too long, you get the drunk spin...aka the worst feeling ever. But the walk home and a popsicle fixed it.

 Asher is completely in love with his daddy.
And probably vice versa.

 Gangtas on the playground.
Own it.

Oh, this is just a picture of the happiest baby ever.

Andy and the Baby Who Loved Beer

Guess what?

Daddy's hooooooooooooooooooome!
Andy got here in the middle of the night. I guess he took Eli to go pee and when Eli looked up to say he was all done and wanted carried back to bed, a big, drunken smile took over his little face.
Happy times.
The boys haven't stopped talking and screaming and running and all manner of the crazies. It's pretty fun.

I'm going to take a nap.

 

Asher is actually crying for a beer here. He really, really loves beer.

Happy Day!

King's Dominion

We went to King's Dominion yesterday! Had fun, a little bit of I'm-too-small disappointment, and awesome naps!

Eli, our fearless leader. Asher, the bodyguard.

A moment of zen in the middle of a leap of joy! Telling me just how awesome The Great Pumpkin ride was. (It was REALLY AWESOME!)

Decisions. Planning. Decisions.

View from the Eiffel Tower. Or maybe a 1/3 replica. Eli found rusted old paint to pick off and throw down. I pretended not to notice. I must be a freaking blind mommy.

Day is done.

Today, however, has been one of the most difficult ever. For no reason. I suspect stress, hormones, every kind of depression and personality disorder that runs so strong in my cold, Swedish, WASP blood, and maybe because I just felt like having kind of a shitty day.

I'm going crazy. Per usual. Ugh. But not really. I feel like when I feel like this, what I need/want should not be out of reach. So then I run into an ungratefulness problem too. But I just want a freaking babysitter for all day. Maybe two days. I want to sleep, uninterrupted, for one night. I want to wake up without a headache. I want to shower. Then I want to eat ANY food, be it healthy, homecooked, McDonald's, I don't care, I just want to eat it without holding anyone or getting up 20 times for any reason.

This is getting self-indulgent.

Or maybe I just want to send Eli to school and Asher to daycare and then I could go to a workplace where I have a completely separate identity from my kids and from my husband. A place where I can be judged by my clothes, my attitude, my cleanliness, and finally by the job I'm actually doing. But that is not where I am...and really that's ok. But sometimes, maybe once a month, twice? Once a week! maybe that's what I want to do.

Enter volunteerism. (as an idea. not as a thing I'm doing.)

But good god, I wish Andy would get here. I wish I didn't have to do my job as a mom and worry about other people's shit. Like Ange's computer, Dad's computer that he leaves on the table every day, Dad's ballistic sunglasses, Jo's phone, her WiiU, her gd pencils and pens and markers, all her toys, SD cards, keys, batteries and everything else that homes with babies have hidden high away. I don't want these to be my problems anymore.


Maybe it's all up from here?
Here's hoping.